I was browsing my old blog and stumbled onto this entry:

Thursday, October 12, 2006
where I end and you begin

I wanted to ramble about general life crap…

I’m not sure what I’m feeling, but I do know that I want to escape. Withdraw and not even deal right now.

It may be general boredom, frustration, or anger…but I just want to run away from everything right now. For sure, there’s some sadness there (which is always the case), but what I’m having trouble dealing with is the frustration. I’m not sure what the source of the frustration is, which makes me more frustrated….

I don’t know what I’m babbling about. I think I miss being numb. That was the best place for me. In all honesty, I didn’t miss feeling happy, because happy was never that happy for me. The lows, on the other hand, were low. So, I was quite happy being numb to everything, and basically being a zombie.

Shopping, though, is incredibly therapeutic for me. I need to buy something cool to make myself temporarily feel better. I’m sure these feelings will come back like a tidal wave in a few weeks, but retail therapy is pretty much all I have right now.

I’m currently torn between the iPod Shuffle or The Simpsons: Season 9…or hitting the thrift stores. I can get more stuff at the thrift store for a lot less and it’ll probably stave off the crying jags and the need to claw at my skin just so I can focus on a different pain for a change.

If it never gets better, then what’s the point? I don’t get it anymore.

Of course, all this is pointless because tomorrow I will be at my desk, doing my work being a good worker bee. A good daughter. Co-worker. Girlfriend. Friend. It’s all draining sometimes. It’d be nice if all stopped once in while so I can take a breath.

I’m glad I’m no longer in this place. It seems like I was there for most of my life and now that I’m not, it’s so hard to imagine my life back then.

For this, I owe The Boy a pretty big thank you.